One of the questions my students ask most often is, “How can I find a partner to practice Tantra with?”  Many are concerned, or believe, that Tantra is only for those who are in a relationship. Sadly, many do not engage in Tantra practices because of this belief.  Even if you are not in a relationship, practicing Tantra is vital. Tantra – its philosophy and practices – will prepare you in many ways, on all levels, for the deepest, most divine relationship possible – the one with you!

I instruct my students to begin with a solo practice that will build the foundational skills of grounding and managing their own energy. Soon, many of them become interested in sharing their Tantra practice with another.  Ideally, your solo practice will be well established before you embark on partnered Tantra practices. At the same time, you do not want rules or dogma to impede your progress towards spiritual development.

For these reasons, this article outlines how to find a Tantra partner and what you need to know to find the ‘right match’ for you (or more desirably, a few right matches).

Here are some ways you can find a Tantra partner:

  • Begin with a journaling exercise about your relationship with Tantra. What have you learned thus far, how have you learned, and with whom? What is your intention for practicing Tantra with a partner? (If it is to find a lover or a life-partner, stop right there…for now.) What do you hope to achieve by having a Tantra buddy? How often do ‘you’ want to practice and for how long? Where will you feel comfortable practicing? What aspects of Tantra are you looking to practice? Do you want to just practice or also study together? Would you like a Tantra coach to guide you or are you comfortable on your own (or a combination)? Get clear first – manifesting what you want depends on your clarity.
  • Find a group of people with similar interests, such as Meetup groups, yoga classes, meditation centers, and personal growth workshops, especially those that focus on Tantra and sacred sexuality.
  • Meet for coffee/tea or a walk first. Many new students leap from a wonderful juicy exchange during a workshop to setting up Tantra sessions with a “stranger”. I always say, metaphorically, “put your clothes back on and go for a walk first”. Find out more about this person and how she/he moves through the world. Are they struggling right now? Are they in a relationship? If so, is their significant other ok with your practicing Tantra with their partner? Are they just getting out of a relationship? How does their energy feel to you? Do you feel a connection to him/her after your meeting? Get to know him/her and who he/she is first.
  • Use conscious communication skills to speak clearly about what you would like to create (refer to your journaling exercise). Discuss boundaries, fears, and desires with your potential Tantra practice partner (do not leave any of these out, discuss all of them). How will you know that your partner understands your boundaries?
  • Set up a time and place to meet. Decide together where you will meet, how you will spend your time, and for how long.
  • Stick to your agreements. I encourage students to use a timer. If you agree to meet for 2 hours, set the timer for 90 minutes and then again at 2 hours. Honor each other’s respective commitments outside of your session and stick to the timing you agreed upon.
  • Spend 10-15 minutes at the end of a session to evaluate the session together. Give each other the opportunity to share appreciations, disappointments, hopes for the future, or a desire to stop practicing together. This is about radical honesty and being true with your heart. Share what is pertinent.
  • Clear your energy fields before departing and make sure you are both grounded and present as well.

Why put so much energy into finding a partner to practice Tantra? Why not just pick the cutest girl or guy at the last workshop you attended?

Engaging Tantrically with another can be heart-opening, earth-shattering, and mind-blowing; and, to me, it is delicate. Feeling safe and held is vital to health, healing, and growth. Choose consciously. Be clear what your boundaries are and how much energy you want to share. Make each decision an opportunity to invite God closer to you. Take your Tantra practice seriously and with a whole lot of joy!

Let me know how you make out!

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