Has it been stormy for you too? Tool for conscious communication (you will LOVE this)

The last few weeks we’ve had visitors from some powerful women here on the east coast! Sandy greeted us, forcing her way through water, air and earth and now Athena is right outside my window — it’s snowing!

I hope those of you in Sandy’s path are recovering and receiving the support you need.

We’ve had our fill of storms out there! Has it been stormy inside, too?

Do you wish you could tell your partner what you are feeling more easily? Are you looking for a way to have a productive conversation without playing the blame and shame game? Do your “discussions” sometimes last into the wee hours of the night leaving you exhausted the next day?

When you have something important to share with your sweetie, you need these 4 simple steps:

1. Choose the right time for ‘you’ to have the conversation (consider your time & your energy level)

2. Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time

3. Be willing to hear ‘no’ and ask for a better time

4. Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time

Getting your partner to listen when s/he is not truly available can feel very frustrating — which only adds to an already
charged situation.

If your experience is anything like mine used to be, your life is busy and it’s hard to fit time in for anything extra! It’s
“easier” to avoid difficult conversations than approach them. You are frustrated because you often have to sift your way through the fog of blame and shame (protective parts) to get to the clarity of the heart. You don’t feel deeply heard.

Several years ago, I learned there was a different way. Thank goodness! And I teach it to all of my clients!

You and your partner are going to love how easy this is for you both.

TANTRA TIP: Sit together facing each other. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths down into your belly together.
Synchronize your breath for a few minutes (feel silly? keep going…trust the process, it works!) When you feel connected
via your breath, open your eyes and look deeply at each other.

Make an agreement: one person will share at a time and the listener will reflect back what s/he heard…bit by bit.
Slowly….switching speakers as needed.

I recommend you limit your conversation to 1 hour max.

Let me know how it goes!

Ignite Your Heart,


P.S. Liked this article? Feel free to forward it on to your friends.

How To Find a Tantra Practice Partner

One of the questions my students ask most often is, “How can I find a partner to practice Tantra with?”  Many are concerned, or believe, that Tantra is only for those who are in a relationship. Sadly, many do not engage in Tantra practices because of this belief.  Even if you are not in a relationship, practicing Tantra is vital. Tantra – its philosophy and practices – will prepare you in many ways, on all levels, for the deepest, most divine relationship possible – the one with you!

I instruct my students to begin with a solo practice that will build the foundational skills of grounding and managing their own energy. Soon, many of them become interested in sharing their Tantra practice with another.  Ideally, your solo practice will be well established before you embark on partnered Tantra practices. At the same time, you do not want rules or dogma to impede your progress towards spiritual development.

For these reasons, this article outlines how to find a Tantra partner and what you need to know to find the ‘right match’ for you (or more desirably, a few right matches).

Here are some ways you can find a Tantra partner:

  • Begin with a journaling exercise about your relationship with Tantra. What have you learned thus far, how have you learned, and with whom? What is your intention for practicing Tantra with a partner? (If it is to find a lover or a life-partner, stop right there…for now.) What do you hope to achieve by having a Tantra buddy? How often do ‘you’ want to practice and for how long? Where will you feel comfortable practicing? What aspects of Tantra are you looking to practice? Do you want to just practice or also study together? Would you like a Tantra coach to guide you or are you comfortable on your own (or a combination)? Get clear first – manifesting what you want depends on your clarity.
  • Find a group of people with similar interests, such as Meetup groups, yoga classes, meditation centers, and personal growth workshops, especially those that focus on Tantra and sacred sexuality.
  • Meet for coffee/tea or a walk first. Many new students leap from a wonderful juicy exchange during a workshop to setting up Tantra sessions with a “stranger”. I always say, metaphorically, “put your clothes back on and go for a walk first”. Find out more about this person and how she/he moves through the world. Are they struggling right now? Are they in a relationship? If so, is their significant other ok with your practicing Tantra with their partner? Are they just getting out of a relationship? How does their energy feel to you? Do you feel a connection to him/her after your meeting? Get to know him/her and who he/she is first.
  • Use conscious communication skills to speak clearly about what you would like to create (refer to your journaling exercise). Discuss boundaries, fears, and desires with your potential Tantra practice partner (do not leave any of these out, discuss all of them). How will you know that your partner understands your boundaries?
  • Set up a time and place to meet. Decide together where you will meet, how you will spend your time, and for how long.
  • Stick to your agreements. I encourage students to use a timer. If you agree to meet for 2 hours, set the timer for 90 minutes and then again at 2 hours. Honor each other’s respective commitments outside of your session and stick to the timing you agreed upon.
  • Spend 10-15 minutes at the end of a session to evaluate the session together. Give each other the opportunity to share appreciations, disappointments, hopes for the future, or a desire to stop practicing together. This is about radical honesty and being true with your heart. Share what is pertinent.
  • Clear your energy fields before departing and make sure you are both grounded and present as well.

Why put so much energy into finding a partner to practice Tantra? Why not just pick the cutest girl or guy at the last workshop you attended?

Engaging Tantrically with another can be heart-opening, earth-shattering, and mind-blowing; and, to me, it is delicate. Feeling safe and held is vital to health, healing, and growth. Choose consciously. Be clear what your boundaries are and how much energy you want to share. Make each decision an opportunity to invite God closer to you. Take your Tantra practice seriously and with a whole lot of joy!

Let me know how you make out!

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I Don’t Know What It Is, But I LOVE It!

It’s been such a busy few weeks getting my new website up and running — all the details — time and energy and lots of writing. I haven’t written a blog entry in a while. And with that, I’ll say, “I don’t know what it is, but I love it.” I’ve been working with a mentor who may as well be a character in A Course in Miracles, if there were such a thing. She’s straight from heaven but living on earth. And I realize that that’ll sound quite strange to many of you. But suffice to say she gets “it”. She gets what we need, as humans, to be happy and blissful and how strongly the ego works to keep our spirits dampened. She gets that there are strong parts of ourselves that keep telling us stories about how this one did this or that, and how we’re not good enough or doing enough, or enough, period. That if we spend all of our energy and time listening to that ‘voice’, that our lives could be mostly miserable.

And as “evolved” as I think I am…..I often listen to her and don’t know what she’s saying…..which I think is a good thing! 🙂 It means I’m learning; I’m in student mode and the parts of me that think they know everything have taken a back seat….wayyyyy back! That makes me smile. And makes me a better teacher.

So suffice to say, I cannot write too much because I don’t know much! Laugh! I DO know that I’ve been filling myself up with energy that I didn’t know I had access to. I do know that I feel happy and blissful when I tune into the spaciousness all around me and not focus on the objects or people in the space. I DO know that when I listen to others talk about “being too fat” or “how she did this to me”, that I’m not hearing the Truth. I do know that ‘waking up’ is possible. I do know that’s why I am here – to wake up — and to share that with my children; and others. This is the true Tantric practice.

Michael Mirdad wrote a book called, You Are Not Going Crazy, You Are Just Waking Up, which is a wonderful cliff notes version of what happens when we do, in fact, WAKE UP….what it looks like and feels like. The ‘how’ I am learning from my mentor. And this Raw Journey I have been on since Jan 1st, 2012, has led me to her.

Because I called out for Inner Mothering — I was admitting that nurturing myself and receiving is not my forte. Anyone who knows me would likely disagree — you see me as “mother”, as “healer”, as “therapist” and all of those things, I am wonderful at….very skilled and very capable and quite conscious. But to deeply receive nurturance….first from Spirit, then from myself, then from another…..I did not learn this in the early years when most of you did. I am learning it now on a deeper level than I’ve learned and experienced before; and sharing it with my clients from a real-life perspective….and I’m so very grateful.

It’s never too late but for me, the time is now. Because I want to live the rest of my life FILLED UP with Spirit, with Love, True Love….the love that comes when you’re tuned into the fact that we are all One and the One = Love. I assume you want the same or you wouldn’t be here!

My assignment for this week is to move into “I don’t know” — so I can let go of my mind ‘thinking’ it knows what it ‘is’ and how to ‘fix it’….and just Be instead of Do. Let go of ‘therapist or counselor’ mind….Be with an open mind of not knowing and being with ‘that’. And then sending LOVE….and being with Love. Again, this is the true Tantric practice.

So, I don’t know what it is…but I love it! (smile!)

Still wrapping my mind and heart around that but I actually think that’s ‘not’ the point! (laughing…)

All Love,


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The Lotus….

The Lotus flower represents our vast and beautiful human potential. Tantra teaches us that all is sacred — or has the potential to be — if only we open, as the Lotus does, in each moment.

It’s easy to say “my heart is open” and it can sound “New Age” or cliche. A Course in Miracles and two of my teachers, Maureen Whitehouse and Marianne Williamson, have taught me the Truth. And for me, the Lotus flower represents it.

The Truth is all we need to do is see the spaciousness around us and know that it is God. We need to remember that we are Love. That the only Truth is that we are each divine children of God and therefore love divine. Just as the Lotus is supported beautifully by the water and opens to the sunshine, so are we. We need only to remember and in the remembering we are awake.

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For Couples….

Couples come to the programs at Sacred Tantric Fire to heal old wounds that have created distance and separation only to discover that deep intimacy and divine connection are possible.

Sessions vary from in-person to virtual (Skype, video chat) and most couples work together over a period of 3 months. The most effective way to jumpstart healing your relationship is the 4-hour immersion, Re-Ignite Your Relationship.

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In Community….

Sacred Tantric Fire offers group workshops and rituals locally, abroad and virtually, too. If you are local to Boston, Tantra Community Gatherings happen once per month on Saturday nights. Group coaching for couples begins this June, please inquire here. Sacred Tantric Fire also hosts Master teachers several times each year – including Tj Bartel, Laurie Handlers, Dawn Cartwright, Michael Mirdad and others. Please make sure you’re on our mailing list.

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Singles Find Love with Tantric Practice

What is Tantra anyway? Let’s start there with the most pertinent question in this new age of psychobabble, open sexual expression, and deeply rooted needs for healing the Earth and ourselves. Tantra is not sex and sex is not necessarily Tantric. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can begin to understand what Tantra truly is and how it meets sexuality at the cross road with the Divine. These practices can support you in finding love in every moment ‘and’ in finding your Beloved.

Tantra is one of the most ancient philosophies and practices of our time.

No one is sure that the legendary story of Tantra being passed down from spiritual masters who lived in the ancient South Pacific is true or not. We do know that Tantra was born in India and practices today extend from either Hindu or Buddhist lineage.

Hindu Tantra as an integrated yoga practice focuses on freeing the obstacles that prevent us from loving ourselves deeply and knowing the Oneness that exists between us all. When we love ourselves deeply – feel our own pleasure and bliss – our inner light shines brightly. It’s this inner light that reverberates and attracts others to us.

Tantra is a Sanskrit word of two parts. The first part – ‘tan’ means “to expand, weave together or join” and the second part of the word ‘tra’ means “tool”. So very clearly we are offered ancient tools to support us in expanding and joining with ourselves, a partner, and the Divine (and not necessarily at separate times.)

Michael Mirdad, international spiritual leader, healer, and author has taken care to discern Tantra from sacred sexuality. He says, in his book , An Introduction to Tantra and Sacred Sexuality, “Sacred Sexuality is about experiencing levels of ecstatic bliss and unconditional love (usually only attainable through prolonged practice of advanced meditation techniques) and, most importantly, bringing these experiences into our daily lives. It’s ultimately about living bliss, not just feeling it.”

Tantric healing arts, or practices, are just that: daily tools that support us in opening up to love — either with our current love or with a potential Beloved. Let’s face it if we meditate, practice yoga, eat purely and exercise regularly we will achieve a sense of wellness and balance that feels good to the body and soul. This is the basic foundation of creating an inner feeling of wellbeing and balance. Feeling healthy and balanced and free from emotional obstacles, is the starting point to finding love that lasts.

And we don’t want to miss a very significant part of ourselves – our sexuality – our vital, life force that provides us with a fierce sense of who we are at the core of our being. So Tantra includes the art of Sacred Sexuality as one of the maps where we can explore our inner terrain (knowing ourselves in the deepest recesses of our hearts) and join with another (and share our hearts.)

Tantra offers us specific healing arts that can be done individually along with a way of being in the world energetically — both are keys to finding love. The physical, emotional and spiritual benefits to living Tantra and creating a regular practice are immense. Squeezing our pubococcygeal (PC) muscles while doing specific breathing techniques brings more vitality and blood flow to our sexual organs. Yoga postures (asanas) strengthen our physical, emotional and spiritual body. Hands-on sexual healing helps us to release emotional blocks that are in the way of us joining in love, while meditation and breathing (pranayama) that bring us into the joy of this moment (rather than the anxiety of the past or future) enable us to connect deeply with the masculine and feminine aspect of ourselves.

I could have written an article about flirting or dating as those are also keys to finding love. Tantra addresses us at a very deep level – where healing happens as it needs to, and light begins to shine so brightly that the happiness you find there is the LOVE you are looking for!

For more information on my program for Singles, please go to www.21 Days To Love.com.
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Filling up with Love

Today I tried something different. When I sat with my clients and went about my day (much time sitting at the computer), I used the following mantra(s):

  • With every breath she takes, I fill up with LOVE
  • Everything she says, fills me up with more energy and LOVE
  • When it seems hard, challenging, upsetting, or scary, I am present and I fill myself up with LOVE
  • With every stroke on this keyboard, I am filling with LOVE

And today, most every thing I am doing is FILLING ME UP, rather than draining me. The draining energy is a familial pattern. And although I use some variation of this, I took it on today in a whole new way.

Try it! Tell me what you think! I think it’s absolutely life-changing, love-giving, all-healing, and an essential part of living fully. Yes, it’s been THAT powerful in only ONE day. I just had to share it right away!

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Finding God

Today’s blog entry promises to be exposing, transparent, and deep….a raw journey if I ever experienced one!   That’s all I can say about it before I even begin….because I can feel what has bubbled up inside me and here it comes!

David Deida‘s book title would work today but I cannot use it (copyright reasons, of course) — the title I am referring to is Finding God Through Sex.   But in contrast with the power of ‘that’ title and ‘those’ words there’s also the song we sung this weekend at Eisner Camp during the Mother-Daughter weekend whereby we clapped and sung God’s name (like the gospel choir, only Jewish) — and it went something like this:

I see God, I hear God, I smell God, I touch God, I feel God, I taste God, I know God…..God (clap, clap, clap), God (clap, clap, clap), God…..

So there is the possibility of Finding God Through Clapping, too!

In the early part of the new millenium, I met a man that ushered me forward...out of the black box I was living in and into his heartwhich turned out to be the heart of God.[

I knew it was God because I couldn’t stay away….because all of my being longed for the connection.  Every cell in my body pulled by the strength of the magnetic pull — Soul/God on one side — and Separation from God — on the other.  It took about a month for me to look into those eyes looking upon me, bestowing a form of Love I had never felt before, for me to say aloud, “I feel God.”  ”Yes”….was the soft response.  I felt such relief! I had been holding those words inside me for too long….for fear of being laughed at…..(unfortunately I spent years in a relationship where my every feeling was questioned, argued with, doubted, and defended against.)

And when that relationship ended in the physical (my sweetie transitioned 5 years later), I needed to find God in a new way. This is why I have chosen to do the work that I do. Because, as David Deida says in his title and on those pages, we can indeed find God through sex and relationship.  

I want to pause for a moment to make a distinction: Tantra is not Sex and Sex is not Tantra.  It’s true that Tantric practices and a Tantric lifestyle contribute significantly (if you choose) to the deepest and most lovely sacred and sexual connection with a partner. But Tantra, to keep it simple, is Spiritual.  You can bring it into the Sexual….and there, you will meet the Divine — in yourself, in your partner and in the connection (where God is anyway…only we are not always able to see God, hear God, touch God, feel God….clap, clap, clap!)

So why am I writing about this today?  Because my raw journey this year is about ‘mothering’ myself in the deepest way possible. And because God is at the helm with this one — in prayer last week I asked for a very clear sign of who (or what) to turn to next for support and clear as day, I got the message.  After connecting with this person, I understood sooooo clearly what’s been missing and in my way of fully, 100% caring for myself optimally:  the lack of connection to my own Soul, to the knowing that God is and that I Am the divine.

I’m not saying I am 100% there yet.  I’m saying I found the trail head. A Tantric lifestyle –and Tantric practices — like those I teach to my clients and in my workshops, are the initial steps to take.  I am clear that part of why I am here is to help others remember; to lead them to the fire where we are all able to transform what is not supporting our highest good.  At the sacred fire where we can let go, get clarity, intend and manifest our deepest dreams and let our hearts melt together.

So even though I felt God with my partner, I stayed in separation after he passed away.  It’s been over 4 years now and I am seeing more deeply the reason I do the work I do.  I am healing my own separation from God/Divine and supporting others in doing the same.  Relationship, Sacred Sexuality, Yoga, Meditation are all deeply supportive and profound resources to access your heart, which, as it turns out….. is the heart of God.

Clap, clap, clap…

In Love,


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Revitalizing Love and Sex After Kids

This is true for most of us: After children are born and the ‘couple’ becomes a ‘family’, sex and sexual energy can be hard to come by.  Hours awake in the middle of the night, nursing all day, or working all day and coming home to change diapers, feed, rock, cuddle, bathe, wipe, clean your baby – these things don’t add up to a romantic, sexually charged love-making session!  It can be hard to regain your equilibrium but sadly, if you do not, the risk is high.

Many couples that come to see me have let themselves separate sexually and often emotionally.  They are sad and lonely and not “feeling the love” anymore.  Here are a few tips for those early days of parenthood that can help you stay connected and in love with your partner.

Create a few minutes every day in your busy lives to connect with your partner.  It could be 1-5 minutes at the dinner table, before one of you goes to sleep, in the morning before work.  It could even be a 5 minute telephone call during the day. The goal is to keep the connection flowing despite your busy lives.

1.  Schedule a date every month for the following:

  • A sex date — this can be anything you want it to be — sex is more than intercourse; make sure it’s something you ‘both’ want and will enjoy!!
  • A date to receive from your partner; this is an opportunity to fill yourself up with something that will feel good to YOU:  a foot massage, back rub, hot bath, have a story read to you out loud, anything your heart desires!  The boundary here is that you receive and your partner gives; it does not lead to sex.  In order for this to work, that rule is necessary.
  • A date for you to give to your partner; same rules apply!
  • A date just to talk:  you take turns — decide on a do-able amount of time and then split it in half.  You speak, your partner only listens (perhaps reflects back what he heard) and then you switch.  This may be a new skill but it’s an extremely valuable one.  A bit of deep listening goes a very very long way!

2. When it feels right (not necessarily soon after you’ve given birth or even for several months afterward), do something every day to keep your sexual energy flowing.  This could include squeezing those PC LOVE muscles, deeply breathing through the chakras, yoga, a walk in nature, self-pleasuring, and any act of self-love.  Keep the energy flowing by tapping into it as often as you can.

3.  Stay connected to your partner by sharing your vulnerability and your feelings. It’s perfectly normal not to feel sexual when your children are young.  Dropping down into your heart with your partner is the greatest gift you can give him.  Tell him how you feel.  Share what you appreciate about him, let him know you love him and that your sexual desire is not as high as you wish it were.  Hugging, kissing, snuggling in bed can keep your connection intact in the meantime.  Sharing your heart keeps the love flowing.

4. For fun, have a “What Turns Me On” conversation.  Schedule it if you need to (a great idea!) but have it.  It’s often a great idea to have this conversation out of the bedroom.  It can be more juicy that way and build sexual energy and desire.  Take notes and use what you’ve learned during your scheduled time.  The sky is the limit here — think expansively when you think about sex and what turns you on.  Maybe you like to have your hair played with, your feet rubbed, your back scratched, fantasies shared, etc.

5.  Most of all know that your sex drive ebbs and flows for so many reasons and that it’s normal.  If you find yourself feeling really distant over a long stretch of time, seek professional support.  There are therapists, sex educators, coaches, sex therapists and the like available to support you and your marriage.  It’s a very worthwhile investment — you are worth it!  

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